Fertility: The Battle

Sometimes it feels like it will never happen. My husband doesn’t understand, my family don’t get it and half my friends don’t even know about the struggle I’m in.

Trying for a baby can be so difficult. Every month brings another wave of devastation and heart break when it doesn’t work. If I hear “have patience” one more time I feel like I’m going to squeal. I don’t want to have patience, I’ve had patience for long enough. I just want it to happen. So, so badly. 

 “It’ll happen when the times right.” How do you know?! How can the time not be right? I’m married, in a stable job that I love and have a roof over my head. I’ve changed my diet, bought the vitamins, had fertility treatments, stopped drinking and done pretty much everything in all the books. So how is the time not right?

I feel so much anger. Not towards anyone for having what I want but just at the fact that it won’t happen. I don’t have any resentment against those who have what I don’t and I don’t find it hard to be around them but what I do find hard is getting through another month without it and the unknown of if it will ever happen.

I’m fed up, worn out, tired, frustrated and have lost all fight that my body had left. The whole thing has consumed me. Every morning I wake up after dreaming about becoming a mum and every night I pray I won’t dream about it again because I can’t deal with the feeling of being a failure.

Being a failure at what my body should do so naturally but yet it can’t manage. I don’t want to put make up on, get dressed up or enjoy myself. Why should I? I have failed at what should be the most natural thing I ever do, that most other women can. 

It sucks but my only aim can be to get to next month. And the month after. Hoping and praying that eventually I can post a scan picture, buy a baby grow for my own baby and enjoy life as a mum with our family as a three. 

 Photo by @kleine_draeck (Instagram).

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